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In my day to day practice, I often
hear from parents -‘Why doesn’t he put more effort in his school work? Why doesn’t he care?
Why is he more interested in watching T.V. or playing online games when he
knows that there is a submission tomorrow?’ As a parent and parenting skills
guide I would like to address this issue keeping my focus on parents with
children in 6-9 grades.
Do you feel that the child has some behavior problem; he
does not care; he is lazy….? No, it is not so. He may be angry or discouraged.
He may be frustrated or not so confident. He may be feeling that it’s not worth
it…. The easiest approach for anyone to handle difficulty is to pretend ‘not to
care’. Actually he cares. All children when not angry or discouraged generally
want to perform well. They like being praised and are keen to seek approval of
their elders. So where did the things go wrong?
While dealing with the issue and interacting with parents I
have realized that there are some common
mistakes that all parents make.
Blaming peers, media
or television
Blaming teachers
Negative display of
frustration and anger along with reprimanding child
Misconception that
children are generally lazy
Undiagnosed attention
and learning disorders
These mistakes often lead to demoralization or lack of
motivation in children. Keep in mind that children may be frustrated, discouraged,
and angry, stressed, anxious, disinterested etc . . . . but are not lazy. As a parent,
relate lack of motivation to any of the above and try to find a solution by
taking a more positive approach toward the problem.
Six Positive Ways of motivating Your
child
1.Channelize your child’s energy.
Every person around you is motivated , only difference is
that each individual is motivated towards different things. Rather than calling
the child unmotivated, we can say that the child is motivated towards not
performing, resisting parents efforts etc. He is actually putting in a lot of
effort to maintain that position. Children are energetic brainy people. But we
as parents are more experienced at handling people and getting our tasks done.
So why not use your experience to channelize them and to motivate them towards
concrete achievements. Start thinking differently Handle them in a different , friendlier
manner. Steer them towards a positive tomorrow that can only be achieved with
sustained hard work.
2.Develop a genuine interest in their
interest.
Let me give you an example here. Your child is interested in
playing basketball but you are keen he learns tennis. You enroll him in tennis
classes. Result: every day you need to push him to get ready for the class.
Your conclusion , he is not interested in sports.
Now let us reverse the scene. You enroll him in a basketball
coaching camp with the thought that the main aim is to play a sport to have a
better outlook towards life and for good health. Choosing tennis or basketball
is insignificant. Result: He is ready before time, remembers the scheduled days
of the class, feels closer to you ,shares his experiences with you about the
class and other day to day activities feeling that you as a parent are with him
and understand him. This lays the foundation for a stronger bond between you
and your child .
The choice is yours and,you as a parent, would like to
choose the best for your child. In our desire to improve them we often miss the
necessary aspect of connecting to them. Keep in mind that all children are
basically positive people who like to be praised about their actions.
3. Do not reprimand or blame, talk to your child.
Talk to them. Accept that they too can be frustrated,
discouraged, stressed, not so confident at times. Understand and accept their
feelings. Preaching to them about hard work is not good enough and you already
know that it doesn’t work. Connect to them. Understand their problems and if
they need your help, help them. Find the cause, set approachable targets,
discuss ways of achieving the targets in set duration and then trust them
enough to leave them free to achieve those targets.
4. Use the magic wand, called: Encouragement
Set clear goals with specific deadlines and encourage them
to achieve those goals. Make a note of all the effort the child puts in towards
the achievement these goals. Praise them for their efforts and encourage them
to wards improvement irrespective of the fact whether they achieve their goals
or not. Keep reminding them of their positives and when they are in a mood to
hear, discuss with them ways in which they can do better. But remember, life is
beyond class rooms and disappointments. As a parent if you able to encourage
your child towards positive growth, you can instill enough energy in them to
make a sustained effort towards their goals.
5. Shift your focus
Every child has some strong points. Observe your child.
Identify his strengths and then focus on developing those strengths. Shift your
focus from pointing out his weaknesses to building up a foundation for future
success. Work on building their inner pride as the world is beyond the
classrooms. Help them create a positive image of themselves, where strengths
form the strong central core of their personality and their difficulties,
frustrations are sidelined to a corner. People who achieve have a strong positive
belief in their ability to achieve.
6. Be like a good coach
Encourage your child to do better. Show him the way but stop
doing your child’s tasks. Let them do their own daily chores. Appreciate the
effort and progress. Guide them but never do their things for them. This surely
makes them more confident.
And yes, remove the goodies like television,X-box etc. from
their room. Install them in a common living space. Coaches have to be focused
and entertainment has to be earned, right?
In short motivation is a combination of
having clear goals, feeling of confidence to achieve those goals along with recognition
of the efforts put in to achieve those goals. Motivation comes from a positive
feeling that ‘yes! I can do it.’ You as a parent have the power to create that feeling in your child.
Suggested Reading positive-grandparenting
©Dr. Moninder Kaur 2014
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